Niev.20.Germany.Asian studies & japanese.
I sighed and wept for what could not be—and for all that could have been.
Lang Leav (Lullabies)
I still remember the sound of your voice that night
and if he wants to leave
then let him leave
you are terrifying
and strange and beautiful
something not everyone knows how to love
Warsan Shire, For Women Who Are Difficult To Love
This touches my soul in places, I have never discovered.
I am not the girl. And I never will be. And I’m trying to be okay with that. But you make this really hard for me. Approaching me for favours and asking me things I know, so you can benefit from it. Do you ever care about how I might feel? That I might get hurt by that?
Because I am not the girl. And I never will be. And I’m trying to be okay with that. But you make this really hard for me. Taking for granted that I care about you. That I will do anything you ask me to. Isn’t it enough to know, that I love you? Can’t you just let me go as I struggle to forget you?
Because I am not the girl. And I never will be. And I’m trying to be okay with that. But you keep making this so hard for me. It’s like everytime I feel that I am getting better, you sense it. You feel yourself drifting from my mind. And you barge in my life again. And everything I have worked out and every improvement I’ve made is just gone. Yes, It’s hard and now I am back in the state of remembering every little thing. I hear him say that I am special to him. His voice, I haven’t heard in weeks is so close and clear. I see him everywhere. In the books that I read and the tea that I’m drinking. Even in the eyes of strangers.
But I’m good. I try to shake it off. I pick up the pieces of nostalgia. Cracks and shatters of moments and feelings that are long gone. Painful to see and even more suffocating to deal with. But I’m used to it now. And after I stashed every one of them into that small bag, I put it away. And I tell myself “Maybe this wasn’t the last time and maybe the last time is not in reach. But that moment will come and that bag will be gone. And You will find yourself again and you will be stronger and happier than all of them.And he’ll come for you again. But then you’ll know better than that.”
I know that I am not the girl. And that I never will be. But I will be okay with that.
i’m not interested in being easy on the eyes
i want them to flinch, think twice before they reach out their callous hands to bruise.
i want to be a constant reminder to men that not everything is theirs for the taking.
Can you feel the words I can’t express?
My heart’s deepest thoughts
Can you say them?
For I am too afraid.of the truth.
When you love someone, but it goes to waste