Niev.20.Germany.Asian studies & japanese.
In the bus. A bald man, permanently wiping sweat from his forehead. A stinking woman Next to me. Blokes causing a ruckus.Normally this would irritate me. But it doesn’t. I notice and I don’t care. Lately I don’t care about things I used to care about very much. I’m in a haze. I cannot focus on anything and I can’t pull myself together. Doubt is tearing me from inside. I don’t want to be a good-for-nothing. I cannot give up. But I can’t pull myself away from this feeling. that feeling that is making me unable to smile. Where did I lose myself?
The trouble is not that I am single and likely to stay single, but that I am lonely and likely to stay lonely.
Charlotte Brontë (via vanished)
i miss her. The girl in 10th grade. She used to wear all those colorful clothes that didn’t fit together. She always laughed. The was not one day she didn’t manage to laugh, even when she was sad. She used to be loud, shouting funny things. She used To make people laugh. Unwillingly but successfully. She had so much fun, duelling her best friend with a chopstick shouting “expelliarmus!” She always wanted to be in love. She always knew what she wanted. friendship, love and being good at what she does. When I see her now, she has become smaller. She doesn’t know what she wants. She doesn’t know who she will be. She doesn’t know how to retrieve it. The pure, absurd luck she always cherished.
I miss her like crazy.
Today is awful. I am so sick of today. It reminds me of everything I want but cannot have and everything I wish to get rid of. Like being naive. I am so naive, it’s almost a medical condition. And I try so hard, unknowingly, but visibly. Even though I always tell myself beforehand that I should not do something, It’s certainly the next thing i’ll do. And I hate it. I hate my stupidity. And how I actually trust people, that cannot and should never be trusted. I always fall for it. And the best thing : I look for loopholes. Reasons and excuses that would prevent me to think badly of such people. I probably should produce stickers that say “bad guy” and tape it on those guys to remind my dreamer’s heart not to try anything. I always know that I am running into trouble’s arms and still can’t slows myself down. I fell so often. Unnecessarily. I am damned for sure. I want to be on that other side. Not that I would want to hurt anyone, but yes. I want those guys to know what it feels like to be played with. I want to be a douche. For one night. I bet it’s not that good a feeling to screw someone so willingly without any reason. I would feel so bad. But hey, that’s only because I’m Human ! ugh, nothing I’ll write would reduce my rage. I am so pathetic. Yes. PATHETIC.
Running through my mind,
a magicians spell has caught of mine.
His look, his arms, his every word
filled my air with sweetest guilt.
Oh my, what I wouldn’t do to feel Again,
the sensation of your touch on my longing skin.
Oh my what I wouldn’t do to break the spell you’ve put me in.
For I am
since you have mesmerized my eyes, my soul,
given a thirst that won’t slow.
For I am
until I know that your kiss was real,
not something my weary mind has sown.
THIS SHIT IS CRAZY. THIS IS SO CUTE.YOU GUYS ARE SO CUTE. LET ME HAVE YOU.
I love the sun. Not the hot and scorching sun. I love the warm sun, when its rays caress you and try to mold you. I love the wind. Not the cold and beating one. I love the soft and light breeze that makes your hair fly and makes you feel like you could set off, just to sit on that big and strong branch of your favorite tree. Yes, I have a favorite tree. Every morning when I wake up and open the shutters, the first thing I see is my tree. It’s huge and looks strong and probably very old. It has these big roots and the trunk is entangled with them and other Farns. Like they can’t stay away, like they are snuggling. That makes the tree look like its one tangled braid. A very thick braid indeed. Its beautiful. for so log, My tree looked like it was naked. Winter took away its robes of leaves. But now that there are sprouts and bright green leaves, It does not need to be cold anymore. That makes me glad. Because, I love that tree. It’s always there. Every morning, every day since I moved here. Even though so many things have changed. My tree doesn’t. It’s become one of the less things I can be sure of. I need that. I need to know that some things will never change. No matter how far I move or how many people leave or whatever problems and pains occur. The good things will stay. I really love that. And my tree symbolizes that. Every season it alters but its always the same. It never fades or breaks. And so do are the things I keep in my heart. they are far and sometimes forgetful. Sometimes too noisy and at times hurtful. But above all that they give me happiness. Just by caring. Just by being unaltered. I really need that. I really love that. The sun, the wind, the tree and you.
Not a million miles can decrease love, friendship or smiles I have for you. Thanks for being my best friend . Miss you xxx!
Happy Birthday to myself. (^｡^)